Holy Sweets!

Mmmmm Easter candy. Nasty, sticky, finger-staining conjoined baby chicks and smushy bunnies. Hollow rabbits with hard sugar flowers stuck on their heads. Chocolate eggs that look like real eggs made of pure sugar on the inside! Thank you, Jesus. And Passover candy...mmm...chocolate-covered matzoh. Chocolate-covered marshmallows. And my personal favorite, chocolate-covered jelly rings. Okay, passover candy ultimately consists of chocolate-covered anything kosher...or does it? Perhaps I should say anything deemed kosher by anyone who possesses the authority to deem something kosher, and the pious Jews who try to get right with God around this time of year are at their mercy.
I'm Jewish, but did not grow up in a kosher home. Long story short: I came home one break from college, only to find there were labels inside the kitchen drawers and cabinets: "meat" and "dairy." When I asked my mom what was up with that, she realized that she had forgotten to mention that our home had gone kosher since I had been there last. Kosher shock. My mother had her reasons (spritual inclinations, etc.), and my stepfather (aka: The Enforcer) loves to bring plans to fruition before one can say, "Well, maybe I don't want that wall painted avocado..." They made it happen quickly, and have kept a kosher home ever since.
Every Passover, the house manages to get even more kosher: my mom and stepdad clean everything out and replace all the food with food that is expecially kosher for Passover. Blessed food. Like, no high-fructose corn syrup; hence, Coca-Cola is made with sugar instead around Passover, which is great. So of course one would feel it is safe to assume that any candies produced for Passover by Jewish companies would be KOSHER FOR PASSOVER. Au contraire, mon frere. This year, I found an interesting disclaimer on the back of the package of my beloved jelly rings, something along the lines of:

Please note: Legumous extracts, i.e. corn syrup, are deemed parve (kosher for Passover) for both Ashkinazim and Sephardim (the two main sects of Judaism) by the renowned Rabbi blah blah blah and the preeminent Rabbi whoever.

Okay, so I don't recall it verbatim, but I assure you that the words "preeminent" and "renowned" were used on the back of a box of candy, which is absurd unto itself. Now, at the end of each of the rabbi's names was the abbreviation for rabbi, like, the way that M.D. finishes off a doctor's name. So it must be very, very official. Their blessings or approvals or whatever have
the magical power to contradict kosher law. My mother wasn't even using olive oil on this holy day as per her rabbi, meanwhile the sneaky Brooklynites at the Joyva candy company were pushing corn syrup.
Springtime holiday candy is still the shit. I would just love to sit in a bed of freshly blossomed daisies while being pelted with Peeps and smothered in Cadbury creme eggs. But please don't shit on my head and tell me it's raining, Joyva jelly rings.


  1. The marshmallows have the same disclaimer, I'm afraid.

  2. Those sly Joyva goyim. This is proof that it is actually impossible to remain K for P. At least we still have macaroons.


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